If you find yourself reading this post, know that you are unfortunate enough to have been born on this planet. You may find it offensive but this is what you’ve to admit. If you have been born, then you were born on a certain day of a certain month and at a certain time of a certain year. It also means you have a sun sign that bears testament to your assholery.
Here’s what your zodiac sign says about you. Come and feel ashamed!
Aries (21 March — 19 April):
You are an egotistical maniac who is always in a hurry to get somewhere. You demand way too much from everyone and react much too soon to everything. You really must be ignored by everyone or sent to a correction facility. You suck.
Taurus (20 April-20 May):
You have a stubborn piece of ass that loves comfort; you are lazy enough to not move a glass of water that has been sitting on your table gathering dust for almost a week. To top it all you are greedy, overtly possessive and you basically have a gherkin stuck up your ass. You pretty much seem like the worst person around. But maybe there are others who can out do you.
Gemini (21 May- 21 June):
Your list of bad qualities seems endlessly long. You are a façade, you are superficial, a fake, basically. You are so greedy that nothing ever is sufficient for you. You love to gossip, you are the source behind all the gossip that happens in the world. And if all this is not enough, you also are a fucking insecure, emotionally insufficient, sorry excuse for a human being. Incapable of taking a decision you are a two-faced prick. That’s right, you make Harvey-fucking-Dent look like a decent guy. Shame on you!
Cancer (22 June- 22 July):
No one really wants to be with you. You are too emotional, so much so that you keep weeping about your sorry life and keep whining like a three-year-old who doesn’t get candy. Anything makes you worried, any-fucking-thing, and don’t even get me started on your restless behaviour pattern. You really need help, you emotionally wrecked psycho. Oh, I am sorry, did I just offend you?
Leo (24 July- 23 August):
Yet another egotist in the house, yo! Just because your symbol is that of a lion you think you are one, don’t you? Well sorry to break the news to you this way but you are no lion, not even close. You are an overconfident asshole who just can’t get over himself. They bitch about you in parties, you vain loser. I know you find others intolerant, but really you are the one who can’t be tolerated. Do yourself a favour and get out of the make-believe world you are living in and face the fact, no one really likes you.
Virgo (24 August- 24 September):
Now what do I say about your dominating, dictatorial habits that give you a high no drug and no amount of sex ever can? You are always rushing into things, you have ego problems, you think other people are your servants, who will do whatever you say, whenever you say, and because you have no brains you don’t think, you just react. You are practically nature’s vomit, you stinking piece of shit.
Libra (24 September- 23 October):
You give a rather tough competition to the Tauruses and the Geminis of the world. You are that crap. You think you are the centre of the universe, the sun rises for you and the moon shines for you. When you step out of the universe where you ‘rule’ you will see that others think you are unreliable, and too superficial, basically you disgust them. And in that hollow tin like chest of yours beats no heart. You are all stone. You make Meursault look like an emotionally sufficient human being.
Scorpio (24 October- 23 November):
You are a master manipulator, and that’s why you look like the who’s who of human crap. Because you say so many lies and know how to conceal them you know how to keep dark secrets. That’s what your heart, if you have one, is filled with; your dirty secrets, the murderous plans you have hatched and the neighbour’s pets you have killed. You resent everything. That kid who did not return your pencil and was found dead the very next week, we know that was you. Few will mess with you, but that doesn’t mean they like you. Your character smells worse that the dead, decaying corpse that you buried in your backyard.
Sagittarius (23 November — 21 December):
How have you been living with yourself for so long is a mystery. You are an overconfident loser and an insufferable know-it-all. As a kid everyone hated you and guess what, they still do. You are inconsistent in your words, and you are careless in your work. And like a cherry nicely place on the top of a diabetes-inducing cake, you are a fake, you are superficial, a show-off. You’re good for nothing, you bum.
Capricorn (22nd December to 20th January):
You are the party-pooper. You spoil moods by dragging your pessimistic self to places where no one really wants you. But we can’t blame you, you aren’t wanted anywhere so not like you have a choice. But then when you spoil everyone’s good time with your cynical remarks, you bring out your stubbornness and put it on display and want everyone to appreciate it. Some people think you are shy, but honestly, you are just too involved in talking to yourself about your stinky life to talk to others. Maybe you should dig up a hole for yourself and consider living in it.
Aquarius (21st January to 18th February):
You are the George Bush Junior of your group. People are either with you or against you. There is no midway for you, you bigot. You are an extremist and you can kill for your agenda. You are so unpredictable that it’s not pleasant; actually, you are the definition of unpleasant. You anyway are detached from the world, you love being aloof, then why don’t you do just that?
Pisces (19th February to 20th March):
You are the rat that jumps off the ship when it’s drowning. You avoid a difficult situation like a plague. You can’t confront things, you run away from them. And that makes you the leader of the loser world, a world where everyone is as shamelessly disgusting as you are. Add to that your pessimism and your over-sensitive nature and the most intolerably irritating human is born. You stink.